Here's some ha ha's

That's the funniest thing I ever heard!
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cheri
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Re: Here's some ha ha's

Postby cheri » 28pm31America/New_York()

WARNING: THIS JOKE IS A BIT OFF-COLOR-don't want to offend anyone.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the Woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed again. As before she used a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?

'I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.
'I have never heard of that condition before,' he said.
'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded. 'Pepper.'
Cheri
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cheri
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Re: Here's some ha ha's

Postby cheri » 02pm30America/New_York()

Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
Cheri
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cheri
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Re: Here's some ha ha's

Postby cheri » 16pm30America/New_York()

These are cute, I had to share them:

Children in Church

A little boy was in a relative's wedding.

As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps,

stop, and turn to the crowd.

While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle.

As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard

by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,

"I was being the Ring Bear.."

---------------------------------------------------------

One Sunday in a Midwest City ,

a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.

The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew

but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked the little fellow up

and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer,

the little one called loudly to the congregation,

"Pray for me! Pray for me!"
----------------------------------------------------

One particular four-year old prayed,

"And forgive us our trash baskets

as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am."
-------------------------------------------------------

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination,

looking at the old pages as he turned them.

Then something fell out of the Bible.

He picked it up and looked at it closely.

It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered,

"It's Adam 's suit"..
---------------------------------------------------------

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike,

and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform,

jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side,

getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks,

a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,

"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
--------------------------------------------------------------

Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church.

Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough.

"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,

"See those two men standing by the door?

They're hushers."
--------------------------------------------------

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked ,

"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo, while I asked,

"No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.
---------------------------------------------------------

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother,

was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking,

"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus ? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin ?"
---------------------------------------------------------------

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.

They were ready to discuss the last one.

The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,

"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."







--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cheri
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cheri
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Re: Here's some ha ha's

Postby cheri » 19pm30America/New_York()

The Talking Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an
unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he
would start off by taking his new pet to church with him...

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church
with me today? We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked
again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about
God?"

... YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS...


This time, a little voice came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time!
I'm putting on my shoes!"
Cheri
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cheri
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Re: Here's some ha ha's

Postby cheri » 16pm31America/New_York()

To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. T ell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
----------------------------------------

I believe I could a few of my own to this list...but will resist it. lol









--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cheri
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Re: Here's some ha ha's

Postby June5 » 16pm31America/New_York()

1) My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

2) My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

3) Saturday morning I got up early to go fishing, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and tip-toed into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started .....

------------ --------- --------- ---

4) I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed, and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it...... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

------------------------------------------------------------​-----------------

5) My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny & sleek that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

--------- --------- --------- -----

6) When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station..

And then the fight started...

--------- --------- -----

7) After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

--------- --------- -----

8) My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- -----

9) I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

10) A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's Darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....
:lol:
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Re: Here's some ha ha's

Postby June5 » 24am30America/New_York()

Don't want to offend anyone who is Catholic but I am a practicing Catholic and I thought this was funny.


An Italian Boy Goes To Confession

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
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Re: Here's some ha ha's

Postby VoiceOfReason » 04am29America/New_York()

:~~ :~~ :~~ :~~ :~~ :~~ :~~ :~~ :~~ :~~ :~~ :~~ :~~ :~~ :~~ :~~ :~~ :~~ :~~
|-| |-| |-| |-| |-| |-| |-|
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Make America [color=#0040FF]GREAT AGAIN !!![/color]
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Mimi2
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Re: Here's some ha ha's

Postby Mimi2 » 04am29America/New_York()

|-| |-| |-| |-| |-| |-| |-| |-| |-| |-| |-| |-| |-| |-| |-| |-| |-| |-| |-| |-| |-| |-|
Ecclesiastes 10:2 (NIV) "The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of the fool to the left".
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Re: Here's some ha ha's

Postby NoBlahMa » 24pm29America/New_York()

Well, that will certainly give me nightmares! Thanks a lot Miss Badger!!
Stay close to anything that makes you glad you're alive-14th C poet, Hafez
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Re: Here's some ha ha's

Postby VoiceOfReason » 28pm30America/New_York()

My youngest is living in Chicago and travels 80% of the time with his new job.
So, he is raking in the airline miles and hotel points.
He, his roommate and another boy went to various parts of Asia a couple weeks ago.

They stayed in Thailand most of the trip because it was fun. Aside from "loosing" my son for 2 days...they had a good trip.

My son's roommate is Chinese (first generation American). Now that you have the background ...here is the Ha Ha

The three of them went to a bar in Thailand. Eric said they walked in and their jaws dropped, the place was filled with beautiful women all dressed to the NINES. (not hookers).
A small group 3 of the ladies zeroed in on the Asian roommate ( he is good looking and very tall). They were flirting around and one actually grabbed him in the crotch ! After awhile my son said to the other guy............."I think these are all male transvestites" the other boy drew the same conclusion. Decided they needed to rescue "James" the boy who was enjoying being mauled.

They dragged him out, and all the while he was saying "What the frick are you guys doing?" getting mad at them. :fiten: :fiten:
They got him outside and had to explain that the beauties groping him were actually men !
He had no clue and almost :~~ :~~ :~~ :~~ when he realized what was happening "in there"
:what: :what:
::)) ::)) ::)) ::)) ::)) ::)) ::)) ::)) ::)) ::)) ::)) ::)) ::)) ::)) ::)) ::)) ::)) ::)) ::))

I had the roommates wild and crazy puppy for 3 weeks. Was exhausting for me and my 2 older dogs.
I need to post a pic of the dogs....really cute. :pup: :pup: :pup:
Make America [color=#0040FF]GREAT AGAIN !!![/color]

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